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Dear you,

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IRL

It feels like you never meet any man that is truly aligned with you because you can’t even tell if a man is the right man for you without being able to properly express yourself to him and taking him in as he responds to you.

June 11, 202412 min read

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this post assumes that you already feel destined for the love you desire most, and that you seek this love for the 'right' reasons—meaning, you're not attempting to escape yourself through a man or relying on him to resolve your deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. In such cases, the advice provided here may not be applicable until you address these issues first. I have blog posts that bring further awareness to the topic of ‘deep seated unworthiness’ and how it keeps you at a distance from the love you most want. You can read these posts here: https://dreamsilasomans.com/dlgwablog/c/unworthiness However, I do not assist women in developing faith that they CAN be loved in the manner they desire; they must already possess this faith within themselves. Additionally, I do not aid women in resolving deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, as these matters are beyond my scope.

If you’ve met and gone on dates with many men—some okay, others terrible, and a few really good—yet none have actually been aligned with you, one reason this happens is because you’re not properly expressing yourself.

It sometime surprises women when I tell them that you actually need to participate in the connection by bringing yourself forward via properly expressing and speaking up for yourself to discern whether he is suitable for you or not.

You can not just give a little bit of yourself, remaining mysterious and reserved and properly discern if he is aligned with you or not. In fact, if you do this, it will often feel like no one is aligned with you, when in reality, you’re just not giving him enough of you to respond to.

Just watching him from behind the walls you have up are not going to cut it.

Make no mistake here. I am not telling you to be loud, abrasive, obnoxious, and boisterous.

I am, however, telling you that you need to properly showcase who you are. You can do this by expressing and properly speaking up for yourself.

"About what?" you may ask.

Well, about whatever you are feeling, needing, desiring, or having a grievance about relative to your connection with him and the date you are on (assuming you’re on a date with him).

You take him in and then express to him how he feels to you.

Afterward, you observe how he responds to your expression of your needs, desires, and grievances, and discern whether he aligns with you based on his response.

Yes, it is a back and forth. This is the dance and you are pivotal in the dance. Your active participation is required.

With all of this said, you may have one or more of the following questions that I am eager to respond to.

The first one being, what exactly does this expression look like?

The second being, how do I achieve this proper expression?

The last one being, are you saying that a man being aligned with me is partially dependent upon how well I express myself to him?

Let me, one by one, answer these questions because they each require proper explaining.

Question #1: What exactly does this expression look like?

Think of all the different kinds of interactions you have with a man when you’re just getting to know him by dating him (going on frequent dates with him). All of these interactions evoke a certain emotion or response within you, good, bad, and in-between.

Often women choose to keep a lot of these emotions and responses within herself, making mental notes of what she does or doesn’t like, red flags, amongst other things.

Many women will then use these mental notes later to decide to ghost a man.

However, properly expressing yourself actually looks like sharing those things that you normally would keep to yourself.

Don’t let this be confused with oversharing personal information about yourself.

No, instead, you are taking him in and sharing with him how he feels to you, good and bad. You’re letting him into what you would generally keep to yourself.

Now, if this sounds crazy, I want you to think about this for a second.

What better way to actually assess if a man is aligned with you than simply expressing yourself and then observing how he responds? This allows you to see how he addresses your needs, desires, and grievances.

Compare this to putting up a mysterious, reserved, hard-to-figure-out facade that actually hides you away and gives him little to respond to while watching the man from the walls you have up.

The former approach quickly filters out the wrong men and highlights those who are aligned with you, while the latter approach doesn’t allow you to truly get to know him or for him to get to know you.

Now, with all of this said, there is a proper way to express yourself and, conversely, an improper way.

This segues perfectly into the next question.

Question #2: How do I achieve this proper expression?

Proper expression means a woman being able to fully express exactly how she feels, what she wants, what she needs, her grievances, and what she is and isn’t available for on any given subject to a man without nagging, demanding, demeaning, complaining, pressuring, or trying to control or manipulate him.

So, how do we get you to the point where you can freely express your feelings, needs, desires, and grievances to a man without falling into the realm of nagging, demanding, demeaning him, etc?

You start making “love sandwiches”!

In my world, a “love sandwich” is essentially a way in which you structure your sentences to a man to make sure you are expressing your needs, desires, and grievances while respecting the man and where he is, and allowing him freedom; not giving him ultimatums, not nagging him, not shaming him, nor attempting to “control” him.

It is quite literally the fastest and most effective method of communicating difficult topics to a man while respecting both your autonomy and his autonomy that I have found. My clients and I have tested this over and over and have always found that “love sandwiches” breed positive results where both parties feel heard, understood, and satisfied.

To create a love sandwich you start by stating what you love about your time with him, something he’s done for you recently, something he is good at, etc. What you’re expressing with your opening statement should relate to what you’d like to speak further about and it should also be truthful.

Don't lie. Be genuine with anything that you are conveying to him.

Begin the conversation with “I love…”

Next, you transition into expressing your grievance (or what you’re not available for) by saying something to the extent of “Yet I feel…”.

It is important to have already connected to your emotions and felt everything through so that you are able to convey things in a mature manner that truly honors what you desire, what you need, and how you feel.

Lastly, you should end with a statement about what you love again, simply reiterating what your opening statement was about. This is important because it focuses on the good in the connection, keeps things lighthearted, and keeps you connected to your heart (which is something that he can feel and considers genuine).

So, in short, a love sandwich looks like “I love … yet I feel… because I love…”.

Let me give you two examples of where you can use a love sandwich and what they might look like in each case.

Example #1:

Let’s say you recently met a man at a speed dating event and you two seemed to really hit it off.

Things were going well at first until all of a sudden, you notice that he seems to not respect your time or your commitments. You told him that you’re not really available on weekends or before 3 on weekdays, and yet he tries to call you before 3 or tries to take you on a date on Saturdays.

You genuinely love the fact that he’s taking initiative by calling you and proposing dates and what not. Yet, it is registering as a “red flag” to you that he is not respecting your time or the commitments you have.

Normally, you’d be frustrated and just cut him off completely without any warning or words exchanged. After all, you told him your schedule and it seems like he is just blatantly disregarding it.

However, you can now recognize this as an opportunity to remain neutral, practice properly expressing yourself to him, and energetically open yourself up to a man that can meet what you are available for if he is not it.

The best thing you can do is let him know that despite your eagerness to get to know him better after your first encounter, you are feeling disregarded.

You should also express that you enjoy that he is initiating phone calls and dates but you wish it’d be when you are available.

The goal here is to express this in a way that is warm, kind, and doesn’t shame or try to control the man but is true to you. It is just a pure expression of how you’re feeling.

This is where the love sandwich comes into play.

Note: Make sure you are responding to him when you are actually available. (In this case, that is after 3 on a weekday.)

Here’s an example of what you could say in this case via text or on the phone: **

“[Name], I love that you have been calling me and trying to initiate a date so that we can see each other again as I had so much fun with you the first time we were together. Yet, I feel quite disregarded when I hear from you during the times where I mentioned that I am not available. Being listened to is important to me… and like I said before, I love hearing from you and would like to talk and meet again when I am actually available.”

And from there, you observe how he responds to you.

If he gets defensive, continues to disregard you, or gets pushy, then you know that he is NOT aligned with you.

If he, on the other hand, perhaps apologizes, takes your grievance into consideration, and respects your schedule moving forward this is more in alignment with you.

Now, of course this one interaction doesn’t display if he is aligned with you or not overall.

That is why it is important to be expressive as you have dozens to hundreds of interactions with him that will begin to reveal his alignment or misalignment with you.

Example #2:

Let’s say that you are on a date with a man and you’re really enjoying him. Suddenly, he asks if you want to go back to his place.

You know that going back to his place (in general) and sleeping with him would just make you prematurely attached to him, would warp your expectations, take you out of your domain and violate what’s best for your well being and what you want long term.

For these reasons, you know that going back to his place isn’t a good option for you.

Based on all of this, using a love sandwich, you express to the man the following:

“Well, I loved our day/night together, had lots of fun with you, and would love to have more fun with you, yet I feel that going back to your place is too premature for me. I’d like to reserve things like that for a man I have deeper, more exclusive commitment with as, like I told you before, marriage is what I really want. It’d be too easy to get prematurely attached to you, especially because I love getting to know you and have such good times with you. 😉”

This assumes that you have already made it clear to him that marriage is your reason for dating and what you value. [You learn how to effectively communicate all of this in my 8 week mentorship program IRL (Inevitable Romance & Love): Better Than Fantasy.

And after you express this, you observe him to see how he responds allowing you to assess your alignment with him or lack-thereof.

Do you get the picture?

Okay, so before I start closing this post out, I have one more question to answer.

Question #3: Are you saying that a man being aligned with me is partially dependent upon how well I express myself to him?

Yes, I am. You being able to express what’s going on with you while not taking away from him allows you to actually see how he responds to the natural you and determine whether that is in alignment with you or not. He doesn’t get that opportunity if you aren’t expressing yourself or if you are improperly expressing yourself.

This is why learning to express yourself properly is worthwhile. You can determine if a man is actually aligned with you or not when you learn to properly express yourself.

In my 8 week email mentorship, “IRL: Better Than Fantasy”, "Love Sandwiches" are one of the main skills that I teach to help feminine women (not yet married) who know they’re destined for great love work on in order to go from hoping for her turn to get lucky in love to being claimed, committed to, and and loved well now and in the future by the man she'll love.

We also work on:

  1. Being self aware and knowing where you really are in relation to the love life you want so that you avoid feeling powerless and lost in love.

  2. Knowing where and what your ongoing responsibilities are AT EVERY GIVEN MOMENT so that you empower yourself, avoid getting into positions where you feel powerless against a man, and are always expanding in your union with the man you'll love.

  3. Learning to feel your emotions through and then use them as data to make decisions that lead to you being and feeling safe, secure, and loved now and in the long term.

  4. How to choose men that make sense for who you are, what you want, and your overall well being now and in the future.

  5. And if needed/desired, we cover actually meeting men who are aligned with you via online dating/offline mingling and dating.

This mentorship is $999.

DM me the word "IRL" here http://m.me/dreemsilas (Facebook Messenger) or (*here if you prefer chatting on Instagram*) if interested and we'll have a quick chat to see if it's a good fit. The qualification process is short, sweet, and simple.

I'll ask you just a few yes or no qualification questions and if it's a good fit, can get you enrolled whenever you're ready.

I look forward to chatting with you.

blog author image

Dream (Silas) Omans

Dream Silas Omans is a wife, writer, and mentor/coach specializing in guiding women toward fulfilling romantic connections and relationships/marriage with men. Dream's blog provides guidance for women seeking fulfilling romantic connections and relationships/marriage with men. It covers topics such as personal growth, empowerment in love, relationship dynamics, and practical skills for finding and nurturing healthy relationships. Dream offers practical advice and mentorship programs, including her flagship program "IRL: Better Than Fantasy," aimed at empowering single women to go FROM single and hoping for her turn to get lucky in love TO being claimed, committed to, and and loved well now and in the future by the man she'll love. Through her work, Dream aims to help women navigate the complexities of modern relationships and ultimately experience love, support, and fulfillment.

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