You weren't made to endure back-to-back mediocre or nightmare experiences in love, only to believe that 'everything happens for a reason.' Instead, accept that the ‘reason’ they happen is to get you to understand that you are responsible for your own heart and being loved well.

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this post assumes that you already feel destined for the love you desire most, and that you seek this love for the 'right' reasons—meaning, you're not attempting to escape yourself through a man or relying on him to resolve your deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. In such cases, the advice provided here may not be applicable until you address these issues first. I have blog posts that bring further awareness to the topic of ‘deep seated unworthiness’ and how it keeps you at a distance from the love you most want. You can read these posts here: https://dreamsilasomans.com/dlgwablog/c/unworthiness However, I do not assist women in developing faith that they CAN be loved in the manner they desire; they must already possess this faith within themselves. Additionally, I do not aid women in resolving deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, as these matters are beyond my scope.

This will be difficult to swallow for most, but extremely liberating for the women who are beyond ready to hear this.

The way the world looks at love is quite distorted. We all know this already.

But one thing that has been normalized that, to me, is just plain detrimental is the idea that when we have nightmare love experiences that somehow we were ‘meant’ to have them.

Now, I can see having one, two, or, at most, three experiences like this and believing that it may be for “a reason”.

But when it exceeds three, should we not question what’s actually going on?

When nightmare love experiences claim years or decades of our lives, should we not at least be curious about why it happens?

Let’s think beyond the “everything happens for a reason” for a second and actually discover what that so called ‘reason’ is.

Here is my answer:

Women are taught to be passive in love as opposed to active.

This keeps her blind to the responsibility she has to being well loved and prioritizing her own heart and well being.

She’s always waiting outside herself for the world or a man to come and do this for her.

Passivity in love keeps her in a perpetual, powerless state of waiting for life to happen to her instead of understanding that life is responding to her.

The truth is that, as an adult woman, she is the only one who will ever be responsible FOR her heart and being loved well.

Why do I say this?

Because being loved well in the way you most want and need is very much a personalized experience. Your wants and needs are unique and specific. It requires you to make proper choices, take proper actions, and express yourself clearly to have them met because truly you are the only one who understands them at every level.

You are the only one who understands what you most need and want at a soul level.

You are the only one who knows when you’re truly satisfied. You’re the only one who knows what is enough.

I know some of you might be thinking: “But what about my future husband? Isn’t he responsible for my heart? Isn’t he supposed to take care of it?”

Your husband has a responsibility TO your heart, not FOR your heart.

Understanding this distinction is paramount!

What exactly is the distinction between responsibility to and responsibility for?

One of the best descriptions of this distinctions I’ve come cross is by Dr. Michael Hall of The International Society of Neuro-Semantics:

‘Responsibility For’ describes what you are able-to-respond-to that belongs to you and for which you can be held accountable. (Personal accountability)

‘Responsibility To’ describes the person or persons you are responsible to, namely, the relationships that you have and the obligations that are inherent in them.

Your future husband won’t be able to feel for you, think for you, experience for you, express for you, love for you, be loved for you, etc.

Only you can do this and so, only you are responsible for your heart.

When you don’t understand what you are responsible for in love, you keep inviting in nightmare or mediocre love experiences, accepting them as a part of your ‘destiny’ or something.

Let me be as clear as possible, and yes, you can quote me on this…

God never meant for you to keep on experiencing nightmare love. Nightmare, or even mediocre, love is not His ‘gift’ to you.

Nor is He asking you to bear such things over and over and over again.

He gives you loving free will, however, and won’t interfere with what you keep choosing or what you won’t take responsibility for.

[I suggest you to pray on this.]

Another quick myth I want to bust is the belief that going through back to back nightmare or mediocre love experiences somehow makes you more wise or better off.

While I won’t rule out that ‘some’ good things can be taken from it, the necessary lesson (the one that I’m teaching in this post) is seldom learned.

Wisdom isn’t passively acquired just because time passes or someone has gone through something over and over,

You can let so much time go by and experience something over and over and still take in the wrong, distorted lesson.

This is the terrifying yet beautiful thing about free will in this life.

With all that being said, understand that you have more influence on what and when things happen in your love life than you’re allowing yourself to accept.

This is exactly what I’m here to show you in this post.

So, when I say that you are responsible for your heart and being loved well, what exactly do I mean?

I mean that you are responsible for making the proper choices, speaking up about the right things, and taking the proper actions that lead to you being claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

Here’s my solution for understanding what this might look like for you:

At every given moment, identify what you’re NOT being responsible for so that you know where your responsibility is.

Not knowing where your responsibility is just leads you to thinking that every nightmare or mediocre experience that happens to you “happened for a reason”. It seldom translates into the practical work that needs to happen to STOP the negative experiences from occurring in the first place.

Knowing exactly what you are responsible for leads to the practical act of you making the proper choices and decisions at the level that respects your self worth, what you want and need in love, and what would have you claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

Understand that at every moment, there’s always something for you to be responsible for. This is where your power is. And knowing this and accepting this is how you stay in your power and advance yourself in love.

To make this simple, there’s what I call the “Responsibility Triangle” that outlines 3 core areas where women I work with tend to overlook responsibility in their connection/relationship with a man.

Within the core 3, there are smaller sub-areas that women need to take responsibility for as well, but they fall under these 3 large categories and for the purpose of our discussion here, we’ll just focus on the core 3.

The 3 core areas that women overlook responsibility are:

1. What she is aligning herself with: Is she merely reacting based on the things that are in front of her that she doesn’t want, waiting until she receives better to be better (transactional)? Or is she actively being better than all that she doesn’t want to experience (as a natural reflection of who she is), so that she’s a match for something better?

2. Where she isn’t prioritizing her well-being and what she wants. As in, where she is neglecting her well being and desires in pursuit of love.

3. The needs/desires/feelings/grievances she isn’t expressing.

So the questions you need to ask yourself when you’re experiencing something you don’t want to experience is:

1. What am I NOT being better than?

2. What aspects of my well-being, both now and in the future, and what I desire am I NOT prioritizing?

3. What needs/desires/feelings/grievances am I NOT expressing?

Answering these questions will help you know exactly what practical, real life choices, decisions, and actions you must make that respects and contributes to your well being (being supported, secure, well tended to, provided for, etc) and what you want in love (to be claimed, committed to, and loved well).

This can be used to engage in the practical work that needs to happen to STOP the negative experiences from occurring in the first place and to START having experiences that lead to a better love life for yourself; one where you are claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

I won’t give a specific example about how the Responsibility Triangle can be used in this post as it would be much too long. ;) However, I have several other posts where I’ve given specific examples of how the Responsibility Triangle works.

You can check them out here.

To close out this post, knowing where your responsibility is AT EVERY GIVEN MOMENT leads to the practical act of you making the proper choices and decisions at the level that respects your self worth, what you want and need in love, and what would have you claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

You stop passively waiting for great love to just happen to you and you stop claiming that “everything happens for a reason” when you’re experiencing nightmare or mediocre love.

In my 8 week email mentorship, “IRL: Better Than Fantasy”, "Responsibility Triangle" are one of the main skills that I teach to help feminine women (not yet married)who know they’re destined for great love work on in order to go from hoping for her turn to get lucky in love to being claimed, committed to, and and loved well now and in the future by the man she (will) loves.

We also work on:

1. Being self aware and knowing where you really are in relation to the love life you want so that you avoid feeling powerless and lost in love.

2. Learning to feel your emotions through and then use them as data to make decisions that lead to you being and feeling safe, secure, and loved now and in the long term.

3. Communicating your needs, desires, feeling, or grievances properly to a man so that they can be met, you avoid resentment, and a deeper, stronger bond can be formed between you and the man you'll love.

4. How to choose men that make sense for who you are, what you want, and your overall well being now and in the future.

5. And if needed/desired, we cover actually meeting men who are aligned with you via online dating/offline mingling and dating.

This mentorship is $999.

DM me the word "IRL" here http://m.me/dreemsilas (Facebook Messenger) or (*here if you prefer chatting on Instagram*) if interested and we'll have a quick chat to see if it's a good fit. The qualification process is short, sweet, and simple.

I'll ask you just a few yes or no qualification questions and if it's a good fit, can get you enrolled 

whenever you're ready.

I look forward to chatting with you.