The reason why following the advice of "choose better men" doesn’t work for you is because you perceive selecting the 'right' man as a one-time, one-off decision rather than an ongoing practice that involves always choosing what you are and aren’t available for relative to your own well being, your heart, and the commitment, love, and support you desire now and in the long term with a man.

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this post assumes that you already feel destined for the love you desire most, and that you seek this love for the 'right' reasons—meaning, you're not attempting to escape yourself through a man or relying on him to resolve your deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. In such cases, the advice provided here may not be applicable until you address these issues first. I have blog posts that bring further awareness to the topic of ‘deep seated unworthiness’ and how it keeps you at a distance from the love you most want. You can read these posts here: https://dreamsilasomans.com/dlgwablog/c/unworthiness However, I do not assist women in developing faith that they CAN be loved in the manner they desire; they must already possess this faith within themselves. Additionally, I do not aid women in resolving deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, as these matters are beyond my scope.

In my world, choosing the ‘right’ man involves saying “yes” to all the experiences with a man that respects your well being, your heart, and what you want AND saying “no” to men and experiences with men that jeopardize these things.

By 'choosing' in this manner, you will eventually encounter a man who is aligned with you and consistently stepping up for you, leading you to frequently say "yes" to experiences with him.

As you are only agreeing to experiences that honor your well-being, your heart, and your desires, this is how you determine if a man is suitable for you or not.

But, hear me when I say this:

Even after he proposes commitment, and after marriage, you will continue to keep choosing.

Yes, the process of choosing is ongoing, not just a one-time event.

This is largely not understood by women as a collective.

With men, you will always be choosing what you are available for and what you are not available for relative to your own well being, your heart, and what you desire now and in the long term.

This is because you are always responsible for your own well being, your own heart, and being loved well. This responsibility is ongoing and so choosing what’s best for you is ongoing as well.

The art of choosing is necessary when you’re single and dating, in your marriage, and everywhere in between.

Let me also state clearly that choosing is not a passive thing.

Women often fall into the trap of thinking that just “learning” about what’s ‘good’ to accept and reject in relationships with men is enough.

It is not enough.

Not at all.

Sure, in the beginning, you are unlearning and relearning what is beneficial and healthy to choose, and what to avoid. This is important.

But, to be honest, it’s not nearly as important as, in real life, saying ‘no’ to a specific man or an experience with him that jeopardizes your well being, being well loved, and what you want now and in the long term AND saying ‘yes’ to experiences and men that actually align with you.

The (in real life) choosing is what will result in you being loved, supported, and cared for the way you want.

The transformation is in the active work itself that you do in real life.

It is not in the “learning” or “theorizing”.

By the way, I specialize in mentoring women who possess a keen understanding of what constitutes healthy and fulfilling romantic connections and relationships with men.

This is who this post is intended for.

With all that being said, what does a woman need to be aware of in order to choose better for herself?

In order to choose men and experiences with men that respect and contribute to your well being, your heart, and the commitment, love, and support you desire now and in the long term with a man. you have to identify what you’re responsible for in your love life.

How I get my clients to see exactly what they are responsible for and thus what choices they need to make that they aren’t making is by teaching them the “Responsibility Triangle”.

The "Responsibility Triangle" outlines three core areas where women I work with tend to overlook responsibility in their connection/relationship with a man, leading them to be uncertain about the choices they need to make to support who they are now and contribute to the quality of love they want.

Within the core 3, there are smaller sub-areas that women need to take responsibility for as well, but they fall under these 3 large categories and for the purpose of our discussion here, we’ll just focus on the 3 core areas.

The 3 core areas that women overlook responsibility are:

1. Point 1: What she is aligning herself with: Is she merely reacting based on the things that are in front of her that she doesn’t want, waiting until she receives better to be better (transactional)? Or is she actively being better than all that she doesn’t want to experience (as a natural reflection of who she is), so that she’s a match for something better?

2. Point 2: Where she isn’t prioritizing her well-being and what she wants. As in, where she is neglecting her well being and desires in pursuit of love.

3. Point 3: The needs/desires/feelings/grievances she isn’t expressing.

For the purpose of this discussion here, we will only be focusing on point 2 and point 3.

By honing in on point 2 and 3 of the Responsibility Triangle, we can see where a woman’s focus should be if she wants to begin choosing better for her self:

1. What aspects of my well-being, both now and in the future, and what I desire am I NOT prioritizing? Diving a bit deeper, this looks like:

   1. Understanding that you have an ongoing responsibility to your own heart, well being and what you want and choosing (saying yes) to men and experiences with men that align with this.

   2. Saying no and/or walking away from men and experiences with men that jeopardize your well being, what you want, and being well loved

2. What needs/desires/feelings/grievances am I NOT expressing? Diving a bit deeper, this looks like:

   1. Properly expressing to a man what you are and aren’t available for.

Okay, now let me give some examples of how this can be used.

Example 1: Choosing men and experiences with men that align with you

Let’s say you are casually dating a man and things were going well until, all of a sudden, he stops communicating with you.

In this example, you already know that it’s best for your well being and what you desire in love to only entertain the man who is showing up for you and maintaining contact with you.

Additionally, because you are looking for marriage, choosing experiences with men who are moving toward you, not pulling away from you is ideal.

Based on this, here’s what not prioritizing your well being and what you desire looks like versus what it looks like when you do prioritize your well being and what you desire.

A woman who is not prioritizing her well being and what she wants: Keeps texting the man to no avail, pouring her emotions all over the place in the text messages thinking that this will make the man text her back. Then when it backfires, she gets discouraged and then “gives it to God”, repeating the cycle over and over again.

A woman who is prioritizing her well being and what she wants: Simply takes her attention off of that man (as she is not attracted to neglect), continues to pour into herself AND then puts her attention on the man who is actually showing up for her.

**Assuming that you are or are intending to casually date multiple men at the same time (which I’d recommend) [You learn how to do this effectively in week 9 of my 12 week mentorship program, IRL (Inevitable Romance & Love): Better Than Fantasy].

Example 2: Expressing to a man what you are and aren’t available for

Let’s say that you are on a date with a man and you’re really enjoying him. Suddenly, he asks if you want to go back to his place.

In this example, you already know that you are looking for serious, exclusive, long term commitment (marriage), but you haven’t discussed this with him yet.

You also know that going back to his place (in general) and sleeping with him would just make you prematurely attached to him, would warp your expectations, and violate what’s best for your well being and what you want long term.

For these reasons, you know that going back to his place isn’t a good option for you.

Based on this, here’s what not expressing to a man what you are and aren’t available for looks like versus what it looks like when you do express what you are and aren’t available for.

Woman not being expressive: Afraid that saying “no” will harm their connection, agrees to go back to his place and sleeps with him. Now she’s prematurely attached to him and expecting things from him he never promised her. This friction causes the connection to fail. She gets discouraged and then “gives it to God”, repeating the cycle over and over again.

Woman being expressive: Because she understands that it’s her responsibility to choose well for herself and getting prematurely attached to the man is not a good choice for her, she expresses to the man the following:

“Well, I loved our day/night together, had lots of fun with you, and would love to have more fun with you, yet I feel that going back to your place is too premature for me. I’d like to reserve things like that for a man I have deeper, more exclusive commitment with as, like I told you before, marriage is what I really want. It’d be too easy to get prematurely attached to you, especially because I love getting to know you and have such good times with you. 😉”

[By the way, the structure of the above sentence is called a “Love sandwich” in my world. You learn how to effectively communicate your needs/desires/grievances via Love Sandwiches in week 7 of my 12 week mentorship program IRL (Inevitable Romance & Love): Better Than Fantasy.]

YOU are always responsible for your heart and the quality of love you receive.

You have an ongoing responsibility to your own heart, well being and the love, support, and commitment you desire AND so you must keep choosing (saying yes to) men and experiences with men that align with this.

Choosing in this manner is what will result in you being loved, supported, and cared for the way you want.

In my 8 week email mentorship, “IRL: Better Than Fantasy”, "Responsibility Triangle" are one of the main skills that I teach to help feminine women (not yet married)who know they’re destined for great love work on in order to go from hoping for her turn to get lucky in love to being claimed, committed to, and and loved well now and in the future by the man she (will) loves.

We also work on:

1. Being self aware and knowing where you really are in relation to the love life you want so that you avoid feeling powerless and lost in love.

2. Learning to feel your emotions through and then use them as data to make decisions that lead to you being and feeling safe, secure, and loved now and in the long term.

3. Communicating your needs, desires, feeling, or grievances properly to a man so that they can be met, you avoid resentment, and a deeper, stronger bond can be formed between you and the man you'll love.

4. How to choose men that make sense for who you are, what you want, and your overall well being now and in the future.

5. And if needed/desired, we cover actually meeting men who are aligned with you via online dating/offline mingling and dating.

This mentorship is $999.

DM me the word "IRL" here http://m.me/dreemsilas (Facebook Messenger) or (*here if you prefer chatting on Instagram*) if interested and we'll have a quick chat to see if it's a good fit. The qualification process is short, sweet, and simple.

I'll ask you just a few yes or no qualification questions and if it's a good fit, can get you enrolled 

whenever you're ready.

I look forward to chatting with you.