Choosing to be with someone means choosing to be influenced by them, to merge with them, and to experience them… so if you’re going to complain about how being in a relationship “infringes upon your freedom”, just stay single.

We often hear about people feeling like they can't truly be themselves in a relationship, and how their partner's actions can be perceived as emotionally abusive for limiting their personal freedom.

However, what remains overlooked is the nuanced truth about personal choice within relationships. While being in a relationship doesn't negate personal freedom or choice, it does introduce a different dynamic where one's decisions now encompass representing not only oneself but also their partner.

This topic is nuanced and has many shades to it. I want to explore the idea of personal choice within relationships thoroughly and leave no stone un-turned.

So, let's dive in and unpack this complex aspect of relationships together.

Your personal choice is always present

In this life, your personal choice is always present. This may not always seem the case. Especially in tense situations where, let’s say, someone is threatening you or giving you an ultimatum. But keep in mind, that a person can only ever escalate the consequences of a certain decision.

At the end of the day, you still have a choice.

When you CHOOSE to enter into a romantic relationship or union with someone, you are CHOOSING to experience them, be influenced by them, and to merge with them.

And the deeper the commitment, the more you are choosing this.

This is the nature of union itself.

It is to take this person as a part of yourself. It entails a shift from an individualistic mindset, where "me" takes precedence, to a collective mindset where "we" becomes the focal point.

You actively choose this going into the relationship/marriage and you choose it every day you stay in that relationship/marriage.

This means that, at any given moment, you can CHOOSE to opt out of experiencing this person, opt out of being influenced by this person, and opt out of merging with this person.

You may be thinking… But Dream, it’s not that easy.

And the truth is, of course it isn’t.

But it is simple.

You always have a choice.

The deeper you are committed to someone, the more escalated the consequences of your choices are.

BUT you still have a choice.

And your ability to choose what you want to experience, who you want to be influenced by, and who you want to merge with is very much you being able to be yourself and be free.

The behaviors you adopt when you’re both single and lonely are NOT who you are and so they WILL BE CHALLENGED when in union

People will claim that their partner didn’t let them be themselves when the partner puts their foot down against certain behaviors and won’t tolerate them.

Something that I wish was more understood is that your physical and emotional state often affect your behavior. I’d even argue that MOST of our behaviors are in response to our physical and emotional state.

These behaviors are not just who we are.

This means that when you’re single and feeling lonely, you will behave differently than when you’re, let’s say, married and feeling deeply connected to your spouse.

Drawing from my personal experience, I spent my entire college life feeling lonely and being single.

Reflecting on that period, I feel grateful that people didn't judge me solely based on the behaviors I exhibited during that time.

I recognize now that those behaviors were a product of my circumstances and state of mind, and I am thankful that others didn't define me solely by those actions.

Loneliness and single-dom often serve as catalysts for a multitude of destructive behaviors.

You may be thinking, well what kind of destructive behaviors?

Namely these:

1. Seeking attention: This can manifest through behaviors such as wearing provocative clothing, consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or drugs, and engaging in late-night partying.

2. Getting involved with the wrong people: Feeling a lack of connection, one may adopt an "anyone will do" mentality and entertain relationships or friendships with individuals who may not be suitable or healthy for them.

3. Engaging in casual sexual encounters: Stemming from a desire for connection and a longing to feel something, individuals may seek out intimate experiences without emotional attachment or consideration.

These behaviors often come from dissatisfaction and trying to fill a void; meet an unmet need.

These behaviors turn into bad habits and then people assume that it’s just who they are.

Through my own experiences, I have personally discovered that what I once believed to be an inherent part of my character was, in fact, a habitual coping mechanism developed during years of loneliness and being single.

Sometimes it takes being inside of a deeply committed relationship to recognize the harm the behaviors do onto yourself and to others.

Making the mistake of thinking that these behaviors are just who you are will literally cost you your entire relationship.

Insecure, self respecting, or just incompatible?

I find it interesting when people call partners that will not tolerate certain behaviors insecure. To me, not wanting to tolerate a behavior that you feel disrespects you, undermines you, or doesn’t consider you is just having base level self respect.

After all, union is about considering the other person and also taking them as a part of yourself.

To disrespect, undermine, or not consider them is destructive and shouldn’t be tolerated.

If for whatever reason, the two people in a relationship can’t agree on a general sense of what is disrespectful, what is undermining, or what is inconsiderate, they are incompatible.

When in a relationship, if the two can agree on a general sense of what is disrespectful, what is undermining, what is inconsiderate, and what is not to be tolerated, then I’d say that it seems the two have matching value systems.

This does not mean that you both won’t slip up at times or run into grey areas where you’ll have to figure out what your stance is on that particular matter, but you can return to your matching value system to get through tough situations.

On the other hand, if you find yourself feeling like you have to police everything your partner wears, says, or does and are often arguing about what is appropriate or not with them, that is a glaring sign that you two are incompatible.

In conclusion, choosing to be with someone means choosing to be influenced by them, to merge with them, and to experience them.

So if you’re going to complain about how being in a relationship “infringes upon your freedom”, just stay single.

—

Join my Membership

If this post nourished you in any way, I invite you to become a member of the Deep Love, Great Work Association.

Work with me inside of the Deep Love Great Work Association; the private membership community you want to be in to position yourself for the love that matches your depth and to be successful doing the work that matches your greatness. In this offer, we explore the deeper perspectives, the mindset, the values, the priorities, and the principles that you need to build a proper foundation of which deep love is a natural byproduct.

We also discuss how these same principles, values, and mindset/perspective shifts help you align with your PURPOSE, be yourself, and do your greatest work. You can join here if that interests you.