If he shuts down every time you raise a relationship issue, here’s what you can do.

If you've noticed that every time you attempt to express a grievance about your relationship with a man - be it related to communication, commitment, or the future of the relationship - he begins to shut down, I want to explore the reason behind his behavior and teach you how to navigate it effectively.

The reason he may shut down is because of the way you’re expressing yourself and not simply for the reason that you are expressing yourself.

Through my experience working with clients and through my own experience, I’ve observed that men typically shut down if they perceive that you are shaming him, trying to control him, nagging him, or trying to manipulate him.

Notice how I mentioned the word perceive. Many times you may feel that you are expressing yourself calmly and in a diplomatic manner but he may still perceive it differently because of the way in which it’s being expressed to him.

It can also be said that though you may feel that your expression is absent of shame, control, nagging, or manipulation, emotion can get the better of you without you actively realizing.

Now, let’s address the misconception that men that shut down are automatically immature.

While there are cases where you may just be dealing with a man that is emotionally immature, this is not the typical case for my clients. In fact, the men my clients are usually dating are quite mature, balanced, masculine men.

And they shut down not out of immaturity but more so because of the following reasons:

1. He just doesn’t do drama. If he thinks that conversation is going to cause unnecessary conflict/drama, he feels that it’s better to not engage at the time.

2. He thinks it’s a losing battle. If he thinks that the conversation will get nowhere, that he won’t be heard, or that you’ve already made up your mind that he’s the bad guy, he will most likely disengage from the conversation.

3. He doesn’t want to be controlled or manipulated. If he thinks that you are expressing yourself to him to control his actions or the way he does things for your own personal gain or fulfillment, he most likely won’t take well to that.

4. Men don't want to be shamed and blamed. If he feels that you are just shaming him, he is sure to shut down. He doesn’t want to keep hearing that he failed in some way and so he’ll disengage from the conversation if you continue to take jabs at his pride.

Those are the 4 most common reasons why a man that is mature, well balanced, and masculine may shut down on you and like I mentioned before, the key is all in the way you express your grievances to him.

So how do you express your grievances to him in the right way?

You do this by making him a “love sandwich”.

A “love sandwich” is essentially a way in which you structure your sentences to a man to make sure you are expressing your needs and desires, respecting the man and where he is, and allowing him freedom; not giving him ultimatums, not nagging him, not shaming him, nor attempting to “control” him.

It is quite literally the fastest and most effective method of communicating difficult topics to a man while respecting both your autonomy and his autonomy that I have found.

My clients and I have tested this over and over and have always found that “love sandwiches” breed positive results where both parties feel heard, understood, and satisfied.

To create a love sandwich you start by stating what you love about your time with him, something he’s done for you recently, something he is good at, etc.

What you’re expressing with your opening statement should relate to what you’d like to speak further about.

Next, you transition into expressing your grievance by saying something to the extent of “Yet I feel…”.

It is important to have already connected to your emotions and felt everything through so that you are able to convey things in a mature manner that truly honors what you desire, what you need, and how you feel.

This is something that I work with clients on thoroughly so that what they express here and how they express it is genuine and is received well by the man.

Lastly, you should end with a statement about what you love again, simply reiterating what your opening statement was about.

This is important because it focuses on the good in the relationship, keeps things lighthearted, and keeps you connected to your heart (which is something that he can feel, considers genuine, and appreciates).

Here are some examples of good love sandwiches:

“John, I love being with you and getting to know you more and more everyday. This past year, especially, has been so fun for me. Yet I feel a little worried and uncertain on whether we’re on the same page about where this relationship is headed because marriage is very important to me and I’d really like to be a wife one day soon. It’s difficult when that uncertainty is so prevalent because as I said I love being with you and experiencing life with you.”

“John, I really love our phone conversations. They’re always fascinating and I feel much closer to you afterward. Yet, I feel best when I know when you’ll call so that I can make proper time for it everyday. Because, like I said, I really love talking with you over the phone…”

“ [Name], I love that you call me and that I hear from you everyday. Yet I feel quite bored with the small talk as it makes it hard to really get to know you, which I was very excited about. I tend to prefer deeper conversations, and meeting in person. It really helps further the connection for me because like I said before, I love hearing from you so often and would love to get to know you better.”

These love sandwiches are very heart focused, non-controlling, and mature as you take all the responsibility for where you are emotionally, how you feel, and what you love.

Additionally, you are able to express your desire for further commitment, better communication, or your boredom with small talk lol. You don’t have to hide your feelings.

And after you properly express your grievance, all that is left to do is to simply allow the man the space and freedom to respond.

When my clients use love sandwiches, it makes it much easier for them to communicate with the man about how they feel and where they are without giving him ultimatums, telling him what to do, or shaming him. (Which men hate all three, especially the shaming…)

It eliminates his need to get defensive too.

This gives him the freedom to respond and it gives him a sincere problem to solve with you (instead of it just being a complaint) which often results in a closer relationship between you and him.

The closeness and intimacy that can be created with just communicating properly with him; by telling him what’s on your heart.

The arguments turned into laughs instead.

The tears turned into kisses instead.

These are the moments you want with him… just enjoying him and him enjoying you even through difficult conversations.

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