The reason the inner work you’re doing isn’t translating into you being claimed, committed to, and loved well is because you’re doing vague inner work that is comfortable and convenient, not the work that is required to get you what you want.

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this post assumes that you already feel destined for the love you desire most, and that you seek this love for the 'right' reasons—meaning, you're not attempting to escape yourself through a man or relying on him to resolve your deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. In such cases, the advice provided here may not be applicable until you address these issues first. I have blog posts that bring further awareness to the topic of ‘deep seated unworthiness’ and how it keeps you at a distance from the love you most want. You can read these posts here: https://dreamsilasomans.com/dlgwablog/c/unworthiness However, I do not assist women in developing faith that they CAN be loved in the manner they desire; they must already possess this faith within themselves. Additionally, I do not aid women in resolving deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, as these matters are beyond my scope.

I want to bring awareness to the topic of “inner work” as it pertains to using it to create a better love life for yourself; one where you are claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

Something that I find interesting when working with clients is just how much the inner work that they’ve done over the years really doesn’t translate over to the practical act of doing things that align with, reinforce, and respect the self that they put so much work into becoming AND the love that they most want.

And by “things” I mean choosing and making decisions at the level that respects their self worth, what they want and need in love, and what would have them claimed, committed to, and loved well by a man they’ll love now and in the long term.

The women I work with have often been involved with self development and inner work for well over a decade, and yet, I see the same pattern of their choices and decisions not exactly reflecting the worth they have and they love they want.

One could argue that they just need MORE inner-work...

That MORE inner work is going to one day help them operate in a way that respects and contributes to their well being (being supported, secure, well tended to, provided for, etc) and what they want in love (to be claimed, committed to, and loved well).

And while I can agree that some women could benefit from some additional “self worth” work, the women I work [in my mentorship] have already undertaken the inner work to feel worthy of the love they desire.

They already KNOW they’re worthy of it and meant for it.

The thing that I see the most from these women are they just don’t know how to translate their inner work into practical, real life choices, decisions, and actions that benefit them in their love life.

Some tell me that they simply have never seen what it looks like to operate at that level.

Sure, in theory, they understand it but not in practice.

So what happens when a woman who is inner-work prone has a non-ideal or negative experience with a man in her love life?

She goes back into inner work mode.🙂

She thinks that MORE inner work is the answer to her not attracting or having negative experiences with men, such as when they are not taking initiative, not on the same page as her, or resistant to commitment anymore.

This is interesting to me because there’s a loop she’s in that she’s often not aware of.

That loop looks like this: Negative experience leads to her doing inner work to recover from that experience; the inner work leads to her feeling positive and hopeful again. She attempts love again, has a negative experience, goes back to doing inner work, and so on and so forth.”

A loop.

What’s often missing is the practical act of her choosing and making decisions at the level that respects her self worth, what she wants and needs in love, and what would have her being safe, secure, and loved well by a man.

This is the work that is required to move her forward, not more of the same inner work she’s been doing.

Let me emphasize that there is a distinction between doing the inner work that only helps you feel good (which is important, don’t get me wrong) and the work that is required to advance you to where you want to be in love—often practical acts that support and reflect the worth you have and the love that you want.

The former is passive while the latter is active.

One keeps you in a perpetual, powerless state of waiting for life to happen to you and the other understands that life is responding to you.

Believe it or not, you have more influence on what and when things happen in your love life than you’re allowing yourself to accept.

Now, the issue here is that doing inner work doesn’t necessarily translate to knowing exactly what practical, real life choices, decisions, and actions you must make that will benefit you in your love life.

So, what’s the solution?

At every given moment, identifying what you’re NOT being responsible for so that you know where your responsibility is.

Not knowing where your responsibility is just leads you to doing inner-work as a coping mechanism for the negative experience you last had with a man. It seldom translates into the practical work that needs to happen to STOP the negative experiences from occurring in the first place.

Knowing where your responsibility is leads to the practical act of you making the proper choices and decisions at the level that respects your self worth, what you want and need in love, and what would have claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

Understand that at every moment, there’s always something to be responsible for. This is where your power is. And knowing this and accepting this is how you stay in your power and advance yourself in love.

To make this simple, there’s what I call the “Responsibility Triangle” that outlines 3 core areas where women I work tend to overlook responsibility in their connection/relationship with a man.

Within the core 3, there are smaller sub-areas where women need to take responsibility for as well, but they fall under these 3 large categories and for the purpose of our discussion here, we’ll just focus on the core 3.

The 3 core areas that women overlook responsibility are:

1. What she is aligning herself with: Is she merely reacting based on the things that are in front of her that she doesn’t want, waiting until she receives better to be better (transactional)? Or is she actively being better than all that she doesn’t want to experience (as a natural reflection of who she is), so that she’s a match for something better?

2. Where she isn’t prioritizing her well-being and what she wants. As in, where she is neglecting her well being and desires in pursuit of love.

3. The needs/desires/feelings/grievances she isn’t expressing.

So the questions you need to ask yourself when you’re experiencing something you don’t want to experience is:

1. What am I NOT being better than?

2. What aspects of my well-being, both now and in the future, and what I desire am I NOT prioritizing?

3. What needs/desires/feelings/grievances am I NOT expressing?

Answering these questions will help you know exactly what practical, real life choices, decisions, and actions you must make that respects and contributes to your well being (being supported, secure, well tended to, provided for, etc) and what you want in love (to be claimed, committed to, and loved well).

This can be used to engage in the practical work that needs to happen to STOP the negative experiences from occurring in the first place.

Let me show you how you can use the “Responsibility Triangle” in the context of the following example:

Let’s say you recently ended your dating connection with a man.

Throughout your dating phase, you noticed that the man lacked initiative (just wanted to text, never wanted to take you on dates), was not on the same page as you, and showed resistance towards committing to a more serious relationship.

Frustrated by these dynamics and feeling unfulfilled, you decided to end the connection.

Instead of going to doing the inner work that you’re used to doing, you decide to apply the "Responsibility Triangle" to pinpoint exactly what practical, real life choices, decisions, and actions you must make to STOP having experiences that suck and to START having experiences that lead to a better love life for yourself; one where you are claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

You ask yourself the following questions:

1. What was I NOT being better than?

Reflecting on the experience, you realize that you approached the connection from a place of weariness from past negative experiences. You went into it with the attitude of "I'm only going to be better when I'm getting better."

Unfortunately, the man you were dating had a similar transactional disposition, where he was only willing to give when he was receiving.

You acknowledge that you called in this man from a place of weariness, adopting a transactional mindset that mirrored your past negative experiences.

You can recognize that you have to actually be the QUALITY that you are regardless [instead of waiting to be quality until you receive quality] so you can be a match to quality.

The practical action that you decide to take is to simply be the quality that you are and keep dating from your quality.

**Assuming that you are or are intending to casually date multiple men at the same time (which I’d recommend) [You learn how to do this effectively in week 9 of my 12 week mentorship program, IRL (Inevitable Romance & Love): Better Than Fantasy].

1. What aspects of my well-being, both now and in the future, and what I desire was I NOT prioritizing?

You realize that, because you ended the connection, you prioritized your well being and what you desire in love quite well. You recognized a stark non-alignment between you and the man and knew that it wasn’t what you wanted. You plan to keep doing this moving forward.

1. What needs/desires/feelings/grievances was I NOT expressing?

You acknowledge that you hesitated to express your desires, needs, and grievances when dating him. Particularly, you never expressed your boredom with just texting all the time.

[You learn how to effectively communicate all of this in week 7 of my 12 week mentorship program IRL (Inevitable Romance & Love): Better Than Fantasy.

While communicating probably wouldn’t have suddenly made you two a good match, when you practice expressing exactly how you’re feeling, what you need or desire in this way, you energetically stop meeting men who don’t take initiative in the first place.

You won't be a match for that behavior anymore.

The practical action you decide to take is that you decide that you will express your needs, desires, feelings, and grievances openly with the men you are dating.

Knowing where your responsibility is AT EVERY GIVEN MOMENT leads to the practical act of you making the proper choices and decisions at the level that respects your self worth, what you want and need in love, and what would have you claimed, committed to, and loved well now and in the long term by a man you’ll love.

You avoid the inner work loop, getting into positions where you feel powerless against a man, and you stop passively waiting for love to just happen to you.

In my 8 week email mentorship, “IRL: Better Than Fantasy”, "Responsibility Triangle" are one of the main skills that I teach to help feminine women (not yet married)who know they’re destined for great love work on in order to go from hoping for her turn to get lucky in love to being claimed, committed to, and and loved well now and in the future by the man she (will) loves.

We also work on:

1. Being self aware and knowing where you really are in relation to the love life you want so that you avoid feeling powerless and lost in love.

2. Learning to feel your emotions through and then use them as data to make decisions that lead to you being and feeling safe, secure, and loved now and in the long term.

3. Communicating your needs, desires, feeling, or grievances properly to a man so that they can be met, you avoid resentment, and a deeper, stronger bond can be formed between you and the man you'll love.

4. How to choose men that make sense for who you are, what you want, and your overall well being now and in the future.

5. And if needed/desired, we cover actually meeting men who are aligned with you via online dating/offline mingling and dating.

This mentorship is $999.

DM me the word "IRL" here http://m.me/dreemsilas (Facebook Messenger) or (*here if you prefer chatting on Instagram*) if interested and we'll have a quick chat to see if it's a good fit. The qualification process is short, sweet, and simple.

I'll ask you just a few yes or no qualification questions and if it's a good fit, can get you enrolled 

whenever you're ready.

I look forward to chatting with you.